The Row

Poetry. Writing. Photography

I remember looking at my father and wanting to understand him after 10 years of not seeing him. I was numb, for the first time I had nothing to feel but a part of me wanted to give him the chance to make it right. All he had to say was I am sorry and acknowledge my pain, but he couldn’t give that to me. I deserved an apology. I felt defeated, hurt and destroyed and he was clueless and inconsiderate that his absence has affected me in my many ways. He’ll never admit he was wrong because he’ll never think he was wrong. And I’ll never understand it. I keep making excuses for him but it still doesn’t justify his silence. Maybe, he was overwhelmed by life, I guess. He started a new life and maybe he didn’t know how to place my sister and I in it. I will never forget how big his heart is. But my parents were never happy together, I always knew that. They didn’t belong to each other and I always knew from very early on that they weren’t going to end up together but I knew their purpose together was solely just for my sister and me. My mother basically has always done all the work, she has been everything to us and but when they finally got divorced, I didn’t think my sister and me would go through it too because we didn’t see him for a very long time. I had 12 surgeries and I always dreamed he would come like superman and some how that would take my pain away but he never showed up and he never called. He was supposed to be my hero but all my life he was a no show. I’ve never even had the chance to call him “daddy” or “dad” and that bothers me. I deserved that as a daughter. I feel so damaged as a daughter. He just wasn’t there physically or emotionally and I am still living with the effects of the chaos, and I am afraid that I always will.

Rowan Bayloun

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